More bewildered self-appraisal

[thatcrazycajun]

My partner, the Songbird, some while back told me I am the least artistic artist she's known, in that I don't spend terribly much time doing art on my own. I also don't spend anything like the time I should honing my professional skills. And a lot of the jobs I have taken over the years have been of limited challenge at best (often leading to boredom, which leads to all sorts of trouble).

What the hell is wrong with me? Am I only doing graphics work because it's something that comes easily to me? Why don't I seem to want to do much more on my free time than surf the net, watch the tube or read comic books? Is it a function of depression? Fear of failure...or fear of success? Am I just fundamentaly lazy? Did I get so used to having peer-level over-achievement in my childhood that I became averse to doing anything that really strains me intellectually or creatively? If anyone cares to offer helpful insight or observation, I promise not to go into a funk or fly off the handle. But I could use some help figuring this out.

Comments

[kitanzi.livejournal.com]

I was going to hold off on answering until I could think of something useful to say, but I'm not sure I *have* something useful to say - so I'll spit out what I do have, and you can take it for what it's worth. :)

I couldn't say if your lack of challenge causes your depression or vice versa, but I do think (from my own experience) that the two definitely feed into each other. One thing you might try (and I know it's easier said than done) is to find things to challenge you, and just approach them as homework. It doesn't matter if it's job related, or even if it's something you think you'll like - pick something that's outside your comfort zone and work at it. See what that does for your emotional health. I find, for me, that it makes a difference - and if you make it a habit, you'll find it spreading to other things as well.