Your annual bulletin from the government

[thatcrazycajun]

Transcribed verbatim from the FBI.gov website:
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE--DECEMBER 11, 2009
U.S. DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY Janet A. Napolitano, Secretary
U.S. DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE Eric H. Holder Jr., Attorney General
FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION Robert S. Mueller III, Director

FUGITIVE ALERT: WANTED
SANTA CLAUS
Aliases: Kris Kringle, St. Nicholas, Sinter Klaas, Father Christmas, Big Nick, The Jolly Old Elf
Age: Undetermined, but appears elderly
Sex: Male
Race: Caucasian
Height: 5'4" (280 cm)
Weight: 250 lbs. (174 kg)
Eyes: Blue
Hair: White, shoulder length, with full beard
Complexion: Pale, dimpled and rosy-cheeked
Physical Description: Morbidly obese. Suspect was last seen wearing a bright red suit with white fur trim w/ matching hat, a large black leather belt w/gold buckle and black rubber snow boots

Suspect is wanted on charges of the following repeated annual violations of federal, state and local laws:
- Smuggling (unlawful importation of toys, clothing and foodstuffs into U.S. territory without payment of duties/tariffs, weighing or inspection)
- Violations of immigration law (illegal crossing of U.S. borders without visa or clearance)
- Unauthorized incursions into secured US airspace
- Frivolous triggering of NORAD air defense alerts
- Breaking and entering of private property (households across the nation and the world; usual M.O. is late-night entry via chimney, but has allegedly gained entry into non-chimneyed homes, apartments and trailers as well)
- Operation of unregistered aircraft (described by some as "a flying sleigh") without FAA clearance or flight plan filed, and without pilot's license
- Unlawful capture and keeping of Endangered Species List animals (reindeer, AKA caribou)
- Forced labor by "elves" without payment or compliance with Dept. of Labor, EEOC and OSHA regulations
- Unlawful surveillance of minor children without parental consent (may be infraction of sex offender laws in several states)
- Violation of municipal anti-smoking ordinances (use of tobacco pipe on public property)
- Violation of municipal "pooper scooper" laws (allowing reindeer to defecate while airborne over both private and public property)
- Violation of hazardous material handling regulations (depositing of coal lumps in certain households without proper sealed containers)
- Vagrancy, i.e., having no fixed abode or legal domicile anywhere in the world (alleged to reside at North Pole, but not confirmed by either satellite imagery or ground searches)

Suspect is known to operate with a gang of "elves" by night and may be considered a terrorist threat. Suspect is not known to be armed, but is reputed to have magical powers and should be considered extremely dangerous. Do not under any circumstances attempt to apprehend. Any items deposited in your home by Suspect, e.g., toys, clothing or other gifts, constitute evidence in a Federal criminal investigation and must be turned in immediately to your nearest FBI office.

Please report any sightings immediately to Deputy Director W. Skinner, FBI Headquarters, Washington, DC 20002 or visit www.fbi.gov for more information.
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This is a parody of an official government announcement for entertainment purposes only. No criminal purpose or violation of any laws, Federal, state, county or local, is intended or should be inferred.

Comments

[thnidu.livejournal.com]

HO HO HO!!!

[poltr1]

Wild Man Fisher did a song about Santa Claus being a criminal.

The words went something like "Oh Santa Claus. Oh Santa Claus. He breaks lots of laws. He trespasses! He breaks and enters! He travels all around the world without a valid passport!"

I think it was called "I'm a Christmas tree".

[redaxe.livejournal.com]

Si ves algo, di algo. ("If you see something, say something.")

Now we know who's behind those mysterious and threatening packages left all over the place. They need to be taken, gently, by the Bomb Squad for safe destruction.

Also, someone get the Grinch a cardiologist to fix his enlarged heart, please.

[dan-ad-nauseam.livejournal.com]

Some years ago the Oregon Attorney General issued a similar opinion letter. Among other matters, S.T. Claus was informed that although he was involved in monopoly, delivery of the game to children was a non-citable practice.

[filkferengi]

Did you ever get the link to the Bob Rivers?