A silly idea for a punning contest (as if I needed an excuse...)

[thatcrazycajun]

Some of you who have read Spider Robinson's excellent series of novels and short stories centered on Callahan's Place (and its sister establishments, Lady Sally's and Mary's Place) might recall the fondness of its denizens for truly horrible puns. Some while back, one story contained several attempts to filk the hoary old Dean Martin standard "That's Amore" with silly pun-filled lyrics; a list of them has been helpfully supplied here.

Well, I was recalling a couple of parodies I've heard of Eric Clapton's classic-rock ode to a certain recreational drug of choice among rock stars and other celebrity types. One was done some years back by John Mammoser: "If you're ready to shout / 'Cause your hair's falling out / Rogaine..." Another comes from the funny-country duo Pinkard & Bowden: "If you wanna get warm / When you're down on the farm / Propane..." It occurred to me that this particular song lent itself to multiple pun-filks in much the same way as "That's Amore" does. Some examples:

"When your sandwich is planned / And plain lettuce is bland / Romaine..."
"When you're eating Chinese / And want noodles that please / Lo mein..."
"When you're not feeling great / 'Cause of something you ate / Ptomaine..."

Anyone else wanna try it? No prizes offered, other than the awe and admiration of your fellow paronomasiacs. Remember, the beauty of a pun is in the "Oy!" of the beholder.

Comments

[filkertom.livejournal.com]

When in Washington state / If Seattle ain't great / Spokane....

When you're McFarlane's Spawn / Keep the bad guys from goin' / Throw chain....

Lab-mouse conquest is good / Dressed as boys from the 'hood / Fro Brain....

[dan-ad-nauseam.livejournal.com]

When in Washington state / If Seattle ain't great / Spokane....

Bzzzz! It's pronounced Spo-CAN.

[filkertom.livejournal.com]

I absolutely claim performer's privilege, poetic license, that I've heard it pronounced both ways, and that it's spelled Spo-Kane. ;)

[banjoplayinnerd.livejournal.com]

You have no doubt only heard it pronounced Spo-CANE by people who don't live anywhere near Spo-CAN.

I understand it happens a lot. People outside South Dakota often don't know the capital is pronounced "PEER" rather than "pea-AIR." I didn't for the longest time.

And I'd throw rocks at the "performer's license" claim except that I happen to count among my greatest influences a guy who named the hero of one of his operettas "Ralph Rackstraw" but had it pronounced "Raif" to rhyme with "waif" in one of the songs. And that wasn't necessarily the worst contortion of the English language he got away with.

[filkertom.livejournal.com]

Listen, I've gotta deal with the people in Kentucky who pronounce Versailles "vuhr-saylz".

[barondave.livejournal.com]

When your sex life is good / but you're not in the mood / Bob Crane
For your secret to save / up inside the Batcave / Bruce Wayne
You drew a few mags / now you're never in rags /Bob Kane

added more, why not

To prove the Hudson's no fake / you must partake of our Lake / Champlain
Precipitation, in main / sounds like it falls on the plain / in Spain

[dan-ad-nauseam.livejournal.com]

When the zombies have come/They send you a note re:/Yo' brain

[faxpaladin.livejournal.com]

Doesn't rhyme with "cocaine," but:

When you cram for a test / And you have no time to rest / Caffeine
When you need to stay up / You just pour some in your cup / Caffeine
Spring'll wind, spring'll wind, spring'll wind — caffeine

[redaxe.livejournal.com]

Hm. I won't be parodying Eric Clapton. I will parody John Cale (the song's actual author), though:

This song's about you/And you're knowing it, too/(You're) So Vain

Perhaps some more after I get home in the morning...

[thnidu.livejournal.com]

After reading this thread
and inspecting my head:
No brain!

[acelightning.livejournal.com]

[ladyqkat.livejournal.com]

Have you considered posting this in callahanians or callahans_place?

[thatcrazycajun.livejournal.com]

Hadn't considered the first, didn't even know about the second until you posted. I may yet cross-post to them.

[anaisdjuna.livejournal.com]

This is SO funny. And so strangely timed actually... I've been having that Cocaine song go on in my head for a couple of days these past week. No kiddin'! I don't know why because I've not heard it in ages.

At least now I can change the words up!

[hitchhiker.livejournal.com]

ooh, nice idea :) mind if i link to it?

[thatcrazycajun.livejournal.com]

Feel free. And thank you!

[hitchhiker.livejournal.com]

if grunge is your thing
then his praise you should sing
cobain!

[hitchhiker.livejournal.com]

okay, can't resist, but i hope i'm pronouncing all of this correctly...

there's a je ne sais quoi
to a phrase like a la
prochaine

[maugorn.livejournal.com]

You've reminded me, Matt of a silly vexation I had to endure as part of one of my very first paid gigs.

This guy in Alexandria was openning a Dive Shop. (There's a small, enthusiastic diving community in the DC area, diving in the Potomac, the Chesapeake, in mines, and anywhere else where the water is deep enough). He'd heard me busking up the street as he was going about setting it all up, decided he liked my stuff, and hired me to play at his grand openning party. Woohoo!

But cue the dread riff. As we were leading up to it all, exchanging phone calls and hashing out schedules and details, he dropped a little bomb on me. He had a cassette of what amounted to "Diver Filk", and did I think I could play anything off of it. He'd be selling the cassette in his shop and he thought it would be a hoot to promote it at the openning with me playing some of it live. Yes, there are musicians and singers who do Scuba, and they write topical songs about the joys and perils of diving, some original music, but most were lyrics set to other pre-existing tunes- diver filk.
It was then that I realised that nothing was sacred, there was no hope, no escape, and in the end, if they didn't eat your brains you would die anyway, trapped and starving.

Yes, it was one of my rare exceptions to my tendency not to play "filks". It was a one shot deal, and a favor to a paying client.

The one I chose started out thus:
"See that thing in the reef with the big nasty teeth?
That's A MORAY..."

[banjoplayinnerd.livejournal.com]

I'm completely appall-
ed after reading these all.
Mo' pain.