2009's proposed New Year's resolutions for the famous and/or powerful

[thatcrazycajun]

Once again honoring the tradition begun by my home city's newspaper, The Times-Picayune, I present the 2009 edition of New Year's resolutions I would dearly love to see made by certain people:

I, Illinois Governor Milorad "Rod" Blagojevich, resolve to pull my handsomely-coiffed head out of the sand with regard to the irreparable damage done to my effectiveness and credibility by the criminal charges against me and the damning taped evidence already made public, do the right thing for my state and party and resign my office immediately.

We, the programming heads of the television networks and cable channels, resolve to stop annoying the living daylights out of our viewers by running animated super-imposed promotional graphics for our shows over the action in our shows. We also resolve to restore opening theme songs and credits to our shows that currently lack them; and to show respect for the many multitudes of hard-working creative people who make our shows by ending the practices of running "squeeze teasers" over our shows' closing credits, speeding up the credits in movies we air and otherwise rendering these people's names unreadable.

I, President-elect Barack Hussein Obama, resolve to stop worrying so damned much about being fair and even-handed to people who despise me and everything I stand for, and devote more energy to serving the people who actually worked their asses off to put me in office. I will begin honoring this resolution at once by rescinding my invitation to anti-gay-equality pastor Rev. Rick Warren to give the invocation at my inauguration, apologizing to the entire lesbian/gay/bisexual/transgendered community for having invited him in the first place, and appointing an openly LGBT person to a top-level Cabinet post. I also resolve to appoint a special prosecutor immediately upon my swearing in to investigate the many crimes of my predecessor against the Constitution, the law and the innocent people of our country and the world.

I, Louisiana Governor Piyush "Bobby" Jindal, resolve to finally get serious about cracking down on the graft, mismanagement and corruption that have been plaguing and hindering efforts to rebuild New Orleans and the other areas of my state devastated over three years ago by Hurricanes Katrina and Rita.

I, New Orleans mayor Clarence Raymond "Ray" Nagin Jr., hereby make the same resolution as Gov. Jindal with respect to my city's government, and resolve also to light a fire under the behinds of those in the governments of Orleans Parish and surrounding parishes to join me in rooting out the fraud, waste, corruption and incompetence attending the city's and metro area's restoration.

I, Thomas "Tom" Benson, resolve to finally find a head coach this year who can make the pro football team I own, the New Orleans Saints, a Super Bowl team for the first time in their 41-season history and once and for all end the perennial status of the "Ain'ts" as the Chicago Cubs of the National Football League. I also resolve to give said head coach a recruiting staff who can find him the extremely talented, ego-free players he will need in order to accomplish this Herculean task.

I, Keanu Reeves, resolve to take acting lessons with an emphasis on facial expressions, as my performance (a word best used advisedly in this case) in the dismal remake of The Day The Earth Stood Still has proven to the world beyond the shadow of a doubt how desperately I need them.
 
Who do you think needs to make a resolution or three? Post here.

Comments

[jannyblue.livejournal.com]

We, the programming heads of the television networks and cable channels, resolve to stop annoying the living daylights out of our viewers by running animated super-imposed promotional graphics for our shows over the action in our shows and eliminating opening theme songs from the shows unless said theme songs are written/performed by They Might Be Giants. We also resolve to show respect for the many multitudes of hard-working creative people who make our shows by ending the practices of running "squeeze teasers" over our shows' closing credits, speeding up the credits in movies we air and otherwise rendering these people's names unreadable.

My only suggested edit for this one.

You know The Daily Show would NOT be the same without the theme music...

[thatcrazycajun.livejournal.com]

You misunderstand; the resolution is proposing that shows without themes have them added, not that ones with themes have them removed. I would never dream of depriving Jon Stewart of his musical lead-in, and I apologize for the unclarity.

[dan-ad-nauseam.livejournal.com]

It seems there were wrong on the first one.