Who do you think needs to make a New Year's resolution?

[thatcrazycajun]

The newspaper of record in my home city of New Orleans, The Times-Picayune, has a wonderful tradition this time each year: an editorial in which its editors list mock resolutions supposedly made by public figures to improve themselves and/or their job performance in the coming new year. The 2008 edition can be read on nola.com here.

I have similar ideas for resolutions by other, more nationally famous people. For example:

• I, Arthur Blank, resolve to hire a personnel director who can judge character better than me, so as to avoid any further embarrassments among players, coaches or management for the Atlanta Falcons.

• We, the Democratic leaders of the U.S. Congress, resolve to locate a specialist qualified to give us each spinal transplants before the 110th Congressional session resumes, so that when we challenge Junior Bush and his Republican Senate allies on politically charged legislation, we can hold out beyond the first push-back of resistance rather than fold like a cheap card table.

• We, Britney and Jamie-Lynn Spears, resolve to read every book about responsible parenting we can lay hands on while in rehab and do everything these volumes instruct.

How about you? Can you think of any resolutions your favorite (or least favorite) celebrities and public officials ought to be making? Post them here.

Comments

[technoshaman.livejournal.com]

I, George W. Bush, vow that, on the stroke of midnight, I will resign my office and board a plane for Guantanamo Bay, there to remain for the rest of my natural life, and save my country the trouble of impeaching my sorry ass.

I, Dick Cheyney, will follow in my boss' footsteps.

I, Michael Vick, resolve to go legit.

We, The People of the United States of America, resolve to find a president, and congresscritters, worthy of their offices, and campaign and vote to put them there.

We, the Chicago Cubs, resolve to win the World Series, once and for all.

We, the New York Yankees, resolve not to be assholes as we have been for the vast majority of the 20th Century.

We, the Powers that Be in the City of Seattle, resolve to throw the hapless Sonics out for sucking so badly, and find anchor teams for Key Arena that don't suck. Like, say, Arena Football.

We, the teams of the Pac-10, resolve not to let USC win any more titles for a few years.

[gorgeousgary]

Hmm...how 'bout these?

I, Barry Bonds, resolve to forfeit every juiced homer and restore Hank Aaron's title.

I, Peter Angelos, will stop trying to be the next George Steinbrenner until I can judge talent as well as ol' George in his heyday. I will also stop blaming the Nats for my failure to field a competitive team.

We, Richard Land, James Dobson, and Tony Perkins, resolve to go back, study, and actually begin following all the parts of the Bible that talk about caring for the poor and sick, protecting the environment, loving both your neighbor and the strangers in your midst, etc. (We admit this may be a several-year project, since obviously we haven't *read* most of the Bible...)

We, Hollywood, resolve to find a way to get TV writers fair pay for their work. We also resolve to give the millions of you viewers out there who don't give a shit about stupid sitcoms or tasteless reality shows some actual quality original programming to watch.

We, Sci-Fi Channel, resolve to start making movies or series out of the thousands upon thousands of excellent SF & fantasy novels and short stories out there. We will stop cranking out monster-of-the-month features that by comparison make Roger Corman and Ed Wood look like Steven Spielberg and Martin Scorcese.

Oh, and one not-a-resolution...in defense of my professional association, I thought ASCE pretty much did thoroughly excoriate the CoE and anyone else associated with the Katrina levee debacles. I certainly don't have the impression they tried to cover up anyone's mistakes.