A silly idea for a punning contest (as if I needed an excuse...)

Some of you who have read Spider Robinson's excellent series of novels and short stories centered on Callahan's Place (and its sister establishments, Lady Sally's and Mary's Place) might recall the fondness of its denizens for truly horrible puns. Some while back, one story contained several attempts to filk the hoary old Dean Martin standard "That's Amore" with silly pun-filled lyrics; a list of them has been helpfully supplied here.

Well, I was recalling a couple of parodies I've heard of Eric Clapton's classic-rock ode to a certain recreational drug of choice among rock stars and other celebrity types. One was done some years back by John Mammoser: "If you're ready to shout / 'Cause your hair's falling out / Rogaine..." Another comes from the funny-country duo Pinkard & Bowden: "If you wanna get warm / When you're down on the farm / Propane..." It occurred to me that this particular song lent itself to multiple pun-filks in much the same way as "That's Amore" does. Some examples:

"When your sandwich is planned / And plain lettuce is bland / Romaine..."
"When you're eating Chinese / And want noodles that please / Lo mein..."
"When you're not feeling great / 'Cause of something you ate / Ptomaine..."

Anyone else wanna try it? No prizes offered, other than the awe and admiration of your fellow paronomasiacs. Remember, the beauty of a pun is in the "Oy!" of the beholder.