What are the rules? And have I broken them once too often?

[thatcrazycajun]

A member of my friends list whose opinion I respect and value greatly has, in the immediately previous thread, rendered his blunt opinion on my behavior in the LJ community. I will not risk harming/annoying him somehow by reposting it here; suffice it to say that he sees me as lacking respect for the boundaries of others (never mind that I'm not always aware they even exist, much less where they are), posting before thinking about the consequences, not learning from my errors, and being generally loud and brash and inconsiderate. Another person whose opinion also matters to me has characterized me as "volatile." And I see where this can well be the impression others reading this blog, and my posts to those of others, have of me.

Thing is, though I have no desire whatsoever to be thought of this way, or to harm or annoy or upset anyone else, I'm by no means sure I can fix it. I'm 43 years old, people, and pretty damned set in my ways by now. I've long been aware that I suffer from foot-in-mouth disease in my meatspace relations as well, and have tried often to stop myself from repeating mistakes with little to no success. It may very well be that giving me an LJ account at all is like giving a 16-year-old the keys to a gassed-up Escalade and a fifth of Jack Daniel's to gas him up first.

So I'm now taking a good, hard look at myself and wondering whether the answer is to just shut this thing down altogether before I piss off the rest of the people who have liked me up to now (they say), or just to find some way of filtering what I think before I spew it here. And I am thinking about what apparently are a very real and established set of Rules for LJ Etiquette. What are they? One seems to be "Don't use anyone's real name unless they say you can." This one I think I get; I can understand not wanting to be, say, outed as gay or poly or (FITB) in a prospective employer's Google search on you. I fully realize that while handles are merely a fun personality-indicator for some, they are a vital means of self-protection for others, and I'm not always sure who belongs in which camp. "Don't wash your relationship's dirty linen in public" is another one I've had stomped into my forehead in the last week (see previous posts). Is it really as simple as "don't say anything on your LJ you wouldn't say to someone's face"? Or "in Grand Central Station"? Or "on CBS News?"

All of which brings me to you, dear readers. Should this blog be put out of your misery or not? Does anyone actually enjoy reading this thing at all? And what other Rules do you think there are that can be codified in words of 2-3 syllables or less? Your posts here will decide this page's life or death.

Comments

Just a few off the cuff:

[almeda.livejournal.com]

• Avoid creating or stirring drama. This means that if you have a person-to-person individual conflict with someone, don't post it to the world and pressure people to take sides. Deal with it privately, or on friends filters of just those you trust most to help keep you from inadvertently asshole-making (or whatever).
  
• If something is aimed at one person or a small group, filter it accordingly. Some people do this by topics (a politics filter, a weight-loss filter, a sex-talk filter, etc) and have people opt in; other people use tags and put the possibly-triggery stuff behind an lj-cut.
  
• Try to talk about things other than livejournal and interpersonal relationships because otherwise it becomes a bit too self-referential, as well as cultivating drama. You've got a LOT of worthwhile stuff you can talk about -- talk about it! :->

Maybe more later when I've had a chance to think about it.

Re: Just a few off the cuff:

[almeda.livejournal.com]

A clarification: posting things in public in LJ is socially equivalent to stating them loudly in a full consuite. There are things that you just wouldn't bring up in such a situation, and they're the same things that should be soft-pedaled on LJ ... maybe.

Still thinking.

[jhayman.livejournal.com]

Think please that it's nearly impossible to offend no one all the time, but offense may very well be in the eye of the perceive. Did twenty people say they were offended, or one? That one is free, as are we all, to react as he chooses, and I am free to react as I choose.

We are fans. Sometimes our social skills (or occasional lack thereof) cause us to step over a boundary we didn't know was there. Happens. But I'd have to say the boundary WAS invisible to you. Sometimes we make an off the cuff remark that someone unexpectedly takes offense to. The point is that you can guard your own behaviour, but your absolutely not responsible for how someone else reacts. If everyone reacts negatively, maybe you need to re-think, if few do, well not so much.

Have a hug and don't leave LJ. Best gossip in town.

[kitanzi.livejournal.com]

Please don't give up on LJ because of this. As I just commented before, I think you tend to be unaware of people's reactions to what you might say, or even what you've already said both on LJ and in person. If you want examples, I can give you a few privately. On the other hand, ACat and I both consider you a real friend, and enjoy your company, and would actually like you to reply sometime to the invite I sent about dinner. *G* You are by no means an asshole, and I think a lot of people run in to this problem on LJ. One big difference between LJ and in person is that on LJ, you (anyone, not just you!) can get a great big running start on cramming their foot in their mouth before having any reaction from anyone, since you are putting a whole post out in front of people with no visual cues or anything on their reaction. I may well be offending you with this, and if so I regret it, but there it is.

[thatcrazycajun.livejournal.com]

Not at all do you offend me, my dear, and thank you.

[autographedcat.livejournal.com]

This is definately a good start, but let me clarify that my remarks weren't intended to be confined soley to LJ. You do these things in person too. In person, you've got a better chance of picking up non-verbal signals from people that you're possibly veering astray, and of course if you do piss someone off, you're only likely to do it in groups of 2-3, rather than a huge cross-section of everyone you know.

I also want to comment on something I didn't react to immediately: you're not a *constant* asshole. If you were, we wouldn't bother trying to help you see that you sometimes mis-fire, we'd just stop talking to you.

I daresay that no one reading this wants to see you fail, or do badly. But I don't want you to confine this self-examination to just what you post on Livejournal, and miss the deeper roots of the situation.

And, for the record, *hugs*.

[thatcrazycajun.livejournal.com]

Thank you. Message received.

[redaxe.livejournal.com]

Start with this basic fact: nothing that has ever been posted to the Net can be expected to die. That is, even if you can't find it when you need it, be sure that Murphy will ensure it pops up at the worst possible time. That means getting it as right as possible the first time. Also, it means friends-locking stuff you want locked BEFORE you post it; Google's Blog Search can find unlocked posts, even though they were later locked.

That said, you've definitely understood the reasons for handles. In many places on the Net, I go by my full name (in part because in at least one other community, there's someone with both my first name and last initial, and it would be confusing to do otherwise; also, I am somewhat more circumspect about what I post under that name). On LJ, though, part of my reasoning is to protect not just me, but the folks I speak about. One rule I follow for me is never to post pictures of myself or my family in public (especially the kids); it may be somewhat paranoid, but I truly don't want to expose my kids to nastyness before they need to be.

Never use absolutes :-) The "broad brush" previously described is something you're good at -- and is a major cause of foot-in-mouth disease. Before making big statements and/or sweeping generalizations, think twice. Three times is better. And give yourself some time before posting, to read it one last time, to be sure. (It may be perceived as "wussy" or "weak" to nuance one's statements, but it's almost always the best course, IMO :-)

Back up opinions with facts. Best is a reference to a primary source, of course; sometimes those aren't available or can't be hyperlinked. I don't always follow links, but when they're not available, I often find myself believing that the writer is speaking from hir navel, rather than from solid ground. If I don't follow links, I almost always mouse over them, to see where they lead. The more links from, e.g., Scientific American and the fewer from the Weekly World News, and I find myself more likely to believe someone.

In short, no, you're not an asshole. Perhaps occasionally a little light on forethought or social grace, but that's nothing a couple hundred years can't fix :-) Hang around; this post shows you're on the right track.

Erm...isn't that a picture of you right above this sentence?

[thatcrazycajun.livejournal.com]

>>One rule I follow for me is never to post pictures of myself or my family in public (especially the kids); it may be somewhat paranoid, but I truly don't want to expose my kids to nastyness before they need to be.<<

Can't say I blame you...but then how do you explain what looks to me an awful lot like a Painter-splashed likeness of you atop your post?

Re: Erm...isn't that a picture of you right above this sentence?

[redaxe.livejournal.com]

You're almost right: it is me, via Photoshop (yes, I can damned well draw in it). And I forgot to make that exception. I do in fact use it (and its use generally means that what I'm saying is serious, without irony, satire, or humor involved). Mea culpa

[filkertom.livejournal.com]

Of course keep it going. But, if I may add my .02, being someone who honks people off regularly myself, the biggest advice I can give is: take a breath, a break, a moment, an hour, whatever, before launching yourself at a target. Be ready to explain yourself in a way which does not involve much backpedaling. If you find yourself backpedaling to yourself in trying to justify whatever it may be, that's a big hint that you might not have thought it through completely.

[thatcrazycajun.livejournal.com]

Your $0.02 = several dollars' worth of many other people's opinions, at least to me. Thank you very, very much, sir.

[otherdeb.livejournal.com]

Matt, I don't think it's necessary to stop using LJ. Nor do I think LJ is the only place you do these kinds of things. And I realize that you are often well-meaning. And, if you want I, too, can give you a couple of examples (which I would rather do somewhere other than here).

I'm thinking that the main problem is that you don't self-censor before you write or speak. Now, many of us don't do that, I grant you. However, if I want to say something totally uncensored, I use my paper journal, which has much less chance of falling into the hands of others. Or if I want to ask people's opinions of whether I'm overreacting on something (which I often do before responding publicly) I will post to a small group of people who have consented to wield the clue bat if I need it. If I know something I need to say might be painful to someone, like my roommate, I create a group that will exclude her, lest her feelings be hurt.

Also, if I find myself getting overly angry, upset, or whatever, I will often write out my response, and run it past someone I can trust before posting it publicly.

Yes, these things take time, and mean that I am not necessarily giving a first reaction to things. But it saves me massive amounts of time that I would otherwise have to spend backpedalling or soothing feelings I had not meant to ruffle in the first place.

I would probably say that the first question you should ask before posting something that might give offense is how you would react if someone said it to you. Like anything else, this is not foolproof, but it does work a majority of the time.

Oh, and as for not being able to change because you are 43: Get off it. You can and do change things all the time. We all do. It really comes down to deciding to take action. And progress may (or may not) be slow. But saying you can't change because you are 43...well, I'm 53, and the day I can't learn to do things in ways that will be more effective, they might as well put me in the ground.

Anyway, that's just my feelings on the subject.

Stick around, my friend, it's just gettin' interesting!

[osewalrus.livejournal.com]

And I'd miss you oif you wandered off.

That said:
You may notice I don't have the gentlest blogging style in the world (which, btw, caused MF to drop me from his friends list but not ban me).

[begin intro music, slow]
I "grew up" in the old Usenet days, and long ago learned to run with the trolls and to think twice before hitting "Send," because a thing once said cannot be unsaid whatever the technology promises. I've seen the horizon bright red with Flame Wars, felt the sting of the Killfile, gotten my share of lawsuit threats and laughed in their faces. [forte chord]

[start theme again, a bit louder and stronger]
But friend, I've learned a few rules to help guide me through the online dance. And, if you pour me out some of that virtual whiskey there, I'll share 'em. [Strum]

You gotta know when to read 'em
When to delete 'em
Know when to scroll on by
And when you should reply
Never SHOUT IN ALL CAPS
Or tell a troll that he's been killfiled
Let him think he got the last word
You don't need to say good bye!

Sorry, got a bit carried away there. Seriously, if you want to talk about it, feel free to email me or call.

Re: Stick around, my friend, it's just gettin' interesting!

[cellio]

What he said, plus one more thing: you can separate writing the post from posting the post. A private entry still lets it be part of your journal (if you trust LJ to never be hacked etc). If you feel te need to rant, maybe post it privately (or write it in a text file) and come back to it the next day and re-evaluate.

[patoadam]

Please stay. I enjoy reading your LJ.

I think it's largely a coincidence that you have had two problems on LJ within a few days of each other.

I don't see how you could have avoided the first problem. Well, I couldn't have avoided it. Stating accurately that someone disagrees with you is not something that would occur to me as a potential problem.

Your later comment could have been stated less forcefully, but it's not something that would have bothered me. Different people react differently.

Try not to say things that you think will offend other people and you'll do fine.

[sdorn.livejournal.com]

LJ could be the safest way to test your social skills because you're not going to be in fisticuff-range of most of the others, because you can draft your answers offline and think a day or two before posting (try saving your comments for a week to a word processor and holding onto them for a day, and then see how many you decide to post after you've slept on it), and because if you can pick up on social clues in the body-language-less internet, you can SURELY do so live.

Having said that, there are dangers in the irrevocable nature of the interaction, to some extent. Yes, expect that everything you write could be on the front page of the (fill-in-the-blank awful tabloid title here). But I expect that the greater danger in terms of habits is the lack of visible boundaries, as some have stated.

"How many fen does it take to change a lightbulb?"

"One, but she/he has to tell you her/his life's story first at 3 am in the consuite."

And if you laughed at that, you understand some of the boundary problems of fandom. You wouldn't be unique, at all! But boundaries are important social saviors. They keep us from making fools of ourselves, if we pay attention to them. ALL of us forget that, on occasion. But sometimes, keeping your mouth shut can be a very wise thing. You can always say something you haven't said yet. But you can't unsay what's already left your mouth or keyboard.

Can a 43-year-old change habits? There are plenty of people your and my age (I'm 41) who have quit smoking, lost huge amounts of weight, started exercising better, started college or grad school, had kids or adopted, divorced or started new relationships, changed jobs or careers, etc. All of these involve individual growth and the willingness to take risks. If we stop growing, reflecting, and taking risks at 43, ... well, you can end the sentence as well as I can.

It all depends on the direction you want to head.

[gorgeousgary]

The only rule I can see that you broke was posting an opinion your partner preferred to remain private. Unless one has their partner' specific approval, one should at best stick to posting only their partner's positive opinions. Or don't put text in their partner's mouth at all.

Other than that there's perhaps Miss Manners' old adage about never discussing religion or politics at the dinner table.

That being said, add a voice to the chorus for staying. You've had interesting things to say. And of course always have interesting songs to post! 8-)

Don't Leave

[shelleybear.livejournal.com]

But do remember this:
After all is said and done a person may have tons of acquaintances, but very few friends.
I have few of the former, but six or seven of the latter.
They are why I post.
Some have LJs some don't, but I consider myself a rich person for those seven.
Linda Bushyeager once told me about all the people who thought I was so much nicer since I got married 20 years ago.
Virtually none of them would admit their perception of me might have altered, or as she put it:
You've changed. They're set in stone.
Keep writing. Accept the consequences. Take them from the sources whence they come. And listen to your true friends.

[msminlr.livejournal.com]

Don't kill the blog.

You might, though, want to consider rougdrafting your posts offline. You can always copy-and-paste them into the LJ box after you're sure they're saying what you MEAN to say.

WHATEVER you mean to say.

Don't quit

[baggette.livejournal.com]

Don't quit........

D O N ' T Q U I T......

Take the middle 5 characters out (Leaving the fist 2 and the last 2)

DO IT

I would miss you.

[filkerdave.livejournal.com]

Can a 43 year old change?

I'm 44 and submit that yes, you can. If you want to.

But I'm glad you're sticking around.

[mamadeb.livejournal.com]

I just started reading this lj, so please keep it.

My own advice? There have been times when I have been very, very upset over something and have written out the post in an lj client. And let it sit. And read it over and then deleted it because after ten minutes or so, it was less urgent and I don't want to hurt anyone.

There have also been times I've posted whatever and then deleted it. I regret those because nothing that's been posted is ever truly gone, but they're gone enough for most matters. In other words, I do the electronic version of writing a letter and ripping it up.

This is less possible in comments - the best thing I can say about comments is, if a post makes you angry - *don't* comment right away. Often, I find the impetus to comment goes away if I do that, or the comment I do make is less inflammatory and more to the point.